


The Rat and The Womaniser

by KultaKettu



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KultaKettu/pseuds/KultaKettu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niki Lauda as The Rat<br/>James Hunt as The Womaniser<br/>Starts in their formula 2 season together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first F1 effort, so please be nice and leave feedback!

The Rat and the Womaniser  
Chapter 1

Niki Lauda sucked hard on a chocolate lime and glared at James Hunt, his long blond hair and piercing blue eyes threw Niki into a spin, but he didn't stop looking until it was too late.

James Hunt. Playboy. Womaniser. Drunkard. Last one standing, and possibly, hopefully, in the end Formula One driver, maybe even champion, Champion of the World.

*Enough musing, Hunt,* he told himself scoldingly. *Wake up!*

"What do you think you're staring at, Rat Face?"

"You."

"And why do you think you're staring at me, Rat Face?"

"Because I have just seen you relieving yourself behind my garage. You're disgusting, and the way you treat girls is disgusting." Niki added as a stinging afterthought.

"That's so funny! I've never seen you with a girl. Can't get one, huh, Rat Face?"

"Don't mock me, Arsehole!" Niki flipped him off with the finger as he sulked off down the pitlane. It cut him deeply each time someone spoke of his looks in such a way, but....

*Suck it up and get over it, Lauda* he hissed to himself. *Pull yourself together and take the pain.* 

And Niki stalked off, imagining himself at Ferrari. Ferrari's golden boy. Ferrari's rat.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The race ended badly for Niki, he had let that preposterous human being win. He couldn't get that annoyingly posh English accent out of his head. He drank from the bottle of lemon juice, cursing to himself as he remembered it was neat. Then.....

"What you drinking, Rat Face? Looks like piss!"

"Well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, posh-ass?"

"What's your name, Rat Face?"

"Niki."

*Niki. What kind of name is that? Must be a nickname.* James thinks to himself.

"Niki what?"

"Lauda."

"Oh. My name's Hunt. James Hunt. Rhymes well with C***, a word that describes YOU perfectly."

"And here's one that describes you perfectly. Arsehole!" Niki shot back, shocked at his own words. 

"Get lost, Rat Face!"

"You too, Arsehole!" 

Later.....

James has just been to a party with that ADORABLE nurse he met in the hospital earlier on race morning. He colllapses, knackered, drunk, on the bed, fully clothed and with his shoes still on, when....

*knock knock*

"Fuck off!"

"Oi arsehole, let me in!" Niki calls out in that unmistakeable accent.

*Oh great,* thinks James. *It's Rat-Faced-Stinking-German!*

"Come in. dear Rat-Faced-Stinking-German!"

"Austrian!" hisses Niki with disgust, and disdain.

"Ok, you win, Rat Face," James reluctantly opens the door, to see Niki, still in his race overalls, standing there with a bottle of beer, an Austrian smoked cheddar, and his shoe laces undone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Niki take on the League of Gentlemen Nude Day sketch......hahahahahaha

Chapter 3:

Niki enters the room, holding the Austrian smoked cheddar in a rather uncompromising position. He takes a swig from the bottle of beer and lets his race suit drop to his waist.

"What are you doing, Rat Face?" said James, who has now emerged from the bathroom, completely naked.

"I think the question is what are YOU doing?" Niki retorts, averting his eyes.

"Well, I'm getting in a little practice for tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Why? We don't have a race tomorrow."

"Of course we don't, my ratty little friend, but tomorrow is Monday."

"I know that," Niki answers, imagining James must think him stupid. "I'm perfectly aware of the order of the days of the week, Arsehole!"

"Don't be so touchy, rat face," James replies, "anyway, as I was saying, tomorrow isn't just any old Monday. It's the first Monday in the month. And the first Monday in the month is Nude Day!"

"What the hell?" thinks Niki, unwittingly speaking out loud.

"Don't ask questions, my little rat, just.....Strip, take off your clothes. We don't make any exceptions, Niki."

When Niki has removed all his clothes, he looks ashamedly at himself. James however, has disappeared to the relative safety of the en suite bathroom, amid cries of "I need a wee!"

"I don't want to know!" howls Niki in disgust....when suddenly.....

*Knock knock*

"Get that for me, will you Niki dear?" James sings out from behind the bathroom door.

"Shit," Niki thinks to himself. "He wants me to answer the door, and I have no clothes on."

He answers the door. To his horror there stands the unmistakable figure of HIS DOCTOR. 

James by now has re-emerged from the bathroom, only this time fully clothed. He looks at Niki with a shocked expression. "Niki!" he exclaims. "What on earth are you doing, butt naked in the bedroom?"

"Hmmm, what extraordinary behaviour," replies the doctor, "but if it was by chance one of your nude days, I could understand."

"So could I," replies James with a smirk, "but that doesn't fall until the 15th."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is being his usual egotistical self, and Niki meets a girl!

Chapter 4: 

Niki sits on the work bench in the garage, his mechanics running around like his slaves. James Hunt comes swaggering in, bottle of beer in hand. "Ahhh, so you've got servants, have you, Rat Face?"

"Don't mess with me," Niki hisses. "You'll regret it, Arsehole!"

"Oh will I?" James answers back, giving a V-sign before stomping off. "Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend. Suzy, this is Rat Face."

"Hello," the blond replies from under her hat. Niki looks over at her, and he falls apart. She is almost as beautiful as James, but not half as stuck up, he thinks to himself. "Niki. Pleased to meet you," he manages, before turning back to the mechanics and drinking the customary bottle of neat lemon juice that seems to follow him everywhere. James, who has stepped outside the garage by now, proceeds to vomit against the door.

"Dear God," Niki sighs, "He looks lovely even when he's sick! I've got it bad."

Later, when James has won the race and made several attempts of making a show of Niki, they both go to the after party. James is drinking beer by the bucket load, and wine, and vodka, and anything else that will go down well with a cigarette or ten. Niki sits in the corner with a cup of tea, when to his horror he is spotted by.....a WOMAN!

"Hello," begins the owner of the shy voice at his shoulder, holding out a delicate hand. Her long dark hair is up away from her face, she wears hardly any make up and a long skirt down to her ankles and a long sleeved shirt, showing hardly any flesh.

"Can I help you?"

"My name is Marlene."

"And what do you want with me?"

"I would like to go out with you."

"Oh really, why? Him over there put you up to this, did he? I'll kill him, arsehole!" swore Niki under his breath.

"I would like to do dinner tonight."

"I always do dinner at night," replies Niki disdainfully.

"No, I mean, with me."

"No."

"Ok, a drink then?" Marlene is certainly determined.

"No, I'm fine thank you."

"I don't actually drink."

"That's good," thinks Niki to himself. "She won't dump me for Drunkard over there then, will she?"

Marlene gives Niki a disappointed look and begins to walk away.

"Marlene. Wait."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

"I can't do it," Niki mumbled to himself, sitting on the door step. Marlene had stormed off in a mood because he had refused to go out with her. Now he sat alone outside his flat, looking at the piece of paper in his hand with her telephone number on it. 

"Come on, Rat Face, pull yourself together," he hears the familiar voice of James Hunt, who is leaning out of the window of the flat, probably having a good laugh at him sitting out there in the rain.

"Ok, if it shuts you up, arsehole," Niki answers under his breath as he stands up, his walk becoming a run as he heads for the pay phone at the end of the street. "Shit, no money!" he hissed.

"It's ok, have this." It's James Hunt again, this time he is standing behind Niki holding a money bag.

"Fuck OFF Hunt!" Niki spat at him, "but thanks."

Later....

"Hello....Marlene? This is Niki, you know, Rat Face. I wanted to ask if you, well, you know, dinner, tonight?" Niki curses his shyness.

"It's ok, I'd love to, but not tonight. Have you seen the weather?"

"Yes. I'm standing in it."

"Oh, you'll get sick. How's your friend?"

"You mean Arsehole? Oh, and he's not my friend, he's my enema. I mean, enemy," Niki always got his words wrong when he was nervous.

Marlene laughed. "Do you know what an enema is?"

"Oh crap! I hate myself," Niki is still being serious.

"Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. I think I like you."

"Oh God!" Niki thinks to himself, but he manages a "Thank you," before hanging up.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

After his date with Marlene, Niki returns to his flat, feeling surprisingly deflated, seeing as everything had gone so well and she wanted.....A SECOND DATE! He opened the door and flopped onto the bed, fully clothed. He didn't even make himself a coffee or anything, he just felt relieved it was over. Suddenly....

*knock knock*

"Who is it?"

"It's me," replies a posh English accent.

"Oh God, go away, Arsehole!"

"I love you too, Ratty. Let me in, come on."

Niki refused to answer the door, but James absolutely would not give in. He knocked on the door again.

"Go AWAY, Arsehole!"

"Ok, you rat faced bastard, let me in right now, or I'm going to tell everyone you drink horse piss!"

"It's lemon juice," Niki objects.

"Just as bad, tastes like horse piss."

"Are you going to go away, or do I have to get my landlord to come round and shoo you off?"

"You can do it."

"Ok," Niki opens the door. "SHOO!"

"No chance, rat," James purrs, slipping his foot in the door so Niki can't slam it in his face.

"Shit!" Niki hissed.

"Why so secretive, rat?"

"Because I hate you."

"Oh good," replies James. "I thought you were going to say something rude to me."

"Ok, you win, Arsehole!"


	7. Chapter 7

James wakes early in the morning, suddenly remembering he was due to meet Suzy before 8 am in the bus shelter. "Shit!" he cursed to himself, as he threw some clothes on and took a swig from a bottle of vodka. Suzy however, unimpressed at being stood up, is just about to stop waiting for her date and go home to sulk, when James appears, shirt unbuttoned, looking as if he hasn't washed his hair for three weeks.

"Didn't think of making an effort for me, then?" Suzy attempts a conversation, but doesn't get very far.

"Um," begins James, slightly hesitant.

"Don't "um" me," Suzy turns on him, not very happy. 

"I'm sorry I'm late, ok, can't help it. I'm hungover and I have no cigarettes."

"Oh, brilliant!"

Later, when the rain has stopped, Niki arrives outside Marlene's flat in his dearly beloved old car, affectionately known as "the old banger." He walks up to the door and knocks twice on it, waiting nervously on the door step. Suddenly Marlene appears, looking ravishing in a long dress down to the ankles. "Wow!" Niki thinks in his head. "She's gone to all this effort, for me!"

They get into the old banger and head for the cheapest restaurant around. Marlene realises she still doesn't know that much about Niki, even after two dates. "When is he going to open up?" she asks herself. 

Niki was beginning to realise that even if he did look like a rat, someone was getting feelings for him, although he had no idea why.


	8. Chapter 8

Niki crept down the stairs to get a cup of coffee before they had to be at the racetrack. He was trying not to wake James when *errrrrrrrr* he accidentally trod on the creaky floorboard.

"Is that you Rat?"

"Dammit!" Niki hissed as James came stomping down the stairs like an elephant on heat.

"What you drinking, Rat?"

"Coffee. No vodka shot," sang Niki from the living room.

"I hate you. Where's the whisky?" asked James.

"I don't have any. It might have escaped your attention, Arsehole, but I don't drink."

"I HATE YOU!" James is by now feeling very pissed off.

"I hate you too!" Niki shot back, equally as angry, but trying to hide it.

"You cold fish," spat James as he set off back upstairs in search of the bottle of vodka he sort of remembered coming home with last night.

After a tense drive to the racetrack, Niki already dressed in his overalls, James, shirt unbuttoned, no shoes on, hair flopping all over his face, they both decide to pull themselves together and pretend that they actually get on.

"I love you Rat!" James calls out as he sets off for his pit garage.

"I love you too Arsehole," Niki replies, forcing a fake smile, which soon turns into a death stare as he looks back at James.

As the practice session begins, Niki is going so fast he feels like he's flying. "Everything is going so well, too well," thinks Niki to himself. When he gets back to the pits, his mechanic shows him the times. He finds James Hunt very close behind him and decides it's now or never, he has to do something about it, to silence that smug bastard once and forever.

Further down the pitlane, James sits in his car, feeling decidedly down. "Niki hates me," he thought to himself, "but I'm not going to let him win. I just have to do something to make him see he's not the only one who can drive that fast and get away with it." He trundles out of the pit garage and sets off, in hot pursuit of that godawful looking rat. He has followed him for a couple of laps when James decides to push it even harder.

Niki is getting a bigger view of James in his mirrors, and he doesn't like it. "Back off, Arsehole. I'll teach you to mock me because I look like a rat!" and he floors it. James, however, is gaining on Niki and when he brakes too late and slides wide, he can't stop them from coming together. He tries to turn before he hits Niki's car, thinking he still has time, but he fails to realise his reactions will be considerably slower, due somewhat accidentally to the rather large amount of alcohol he consumed the night before. 

Niki sees the barrier coming and manages to turn broadside before the hit. He looks to the left and sees James Hunt. "Shit!" he swears out loud as the car slams into the retaining wall, and then suddenly the world went black.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James almost lets his feelings for Niki get the better of him....oops!

Chapter 9

James pulls the car over and stops on the side of the track. He is beside Niki in seconds, willing for this not to be bad. The marshals are already running about with a fire extinguisher at the ready, brandishing it like a gun. "Back off," James snarls, taking a closer look. Between them they manage to extricate him from the car and, after what seems like hours, Niki finally comes round. He immediately notices pain in his arm and looks down, only to see the bone sticking out.

"Scheisse!" he thinks to himself, suddenly feeling sick. He feels something warm running down his face and, upon realising it's blood, he faints again.

When he comes round to find himself in the hospital, he sees a figure beside him and, thinking it's Marlene, greets her with, "I love you. Thank you for cutting your holiday short for me, you didn't have to."

"Holiday? How jolly dare you! I missed qualifying for you, Rat!" 

"Oh crap!" swore Niki, looking over to see none other than James Hunt perched on the end of the bed, but he replies with "I thought you were Marlene."

"I wish I was," mumbled James.

"What did you say?"

"Oh, nothing. Do you want me to call her?"

"Errr, no. She's on holiday in Spain with her family."

"Yes I gathered that. I'm not as stupid as I look."

"Really? Don't make me laugh, Arsehole!"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

James sits on the car, feeling ready to drive the hell out of it. He looks over at Niki who has just been told he won't be able to race. He's looking at the floor. James puts a hand on his heart and swears to the heavens that one day he will have the courage to tell Niki how he really feels.

"Lauda! Telephone!"

Niki gets up and stomps off to the drivers' meeting room to take the call. After a few minutes the person on the other end says "I'll call you on Monday."

Niki replies with a stern: "Oh will you really? I got a better idea. How about you go fuck yourself?"

James has sneaked up behind him and grabs hold of Niki's bottom.

"Go fuck yourself!" Niki turns around, ready to fight him off.

"Ooooh come on Rat, don't get all defensive with me."

"You know I'm not driving today, don't you, oh posh one?"

"Ahh so that's why you're in a filthy mood. Don't worry, my ratty little friend. You can sit there and watch ME drive."

"Piss off!"

"Oh great," replies James. "I love you too."

Niki's scowl deepens as he walks away, thinking to himself. "I DON'T love you!"

When James has won the race and drank a whole bottle of champagne to celebrate, he trots off down the pitlane to find Niki and gloat at him. 

"Oh hello Arse Hole, come to rub my nose in it, have you?"

"Don't be like that."

"Like what?" Niki does not want to be bothered with anyone right now, and James is seriously pissing him off. "That's my usual self, and if you don't like it, you can...."

"Fuck off?" suggests James.

"Exactly," replies Niki, unimpressed, adding as an afterthought, "I will be driving again soon, and I'll get you!"

"Oh, and how are you going to do that? You're just a loser who thinks he is someone, and all because you've got money!"

"Shut up!" Niki walks away, disgusted.

James runs after him. "Fair enough, Rat Face, but I won this one, you can't even bloody drive!"

Later, as Niki sits with Marlene in the hotel, he notices she is looking at him in a strange way. She suddenly asks him, "What's the problem?"

"James bloody Hunt."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

At the after race party James is drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes by the packet. Suzy is by his side, short skirt and short sleeves, long boots and long hair, looking seductively at James, who is wearing his shirt unbuttoned and his shoe laces undone. He drinks another beer, before heading off to dance with Suzy, and any other woman who comes his way. Niki on the other hand is sitting at a table in the corner drinking coffee. Marlene, wearing a long dress and showing no flesh, takes a long sip from her pineapple juice and turns to Niki. 

"Are you all right?"

"Of course I am. Just looking forward to watching Mr Arse Hole over there make a fool of himself."

"Why so serious?"

"This is my serious face, and if you don't like it, you know what you can do."

"I understand," replies Marlene, wondering why Niki is being so anti social. "Maybe it's because he's still in pain and he's angry that he can't drive, and he's mad at James Hunt," she thinks to herself.

Niki tries his best to be as rude and obtuse as he can, he really wants to get rid of her so he can be alone.

"Have you had a girlfriend before?"

"Errrr, I'm not very good at dating," replies Niki.

"Do you want to dance with me?"

"I don't dance. I'm not very good at it."

"Oh, well what are you good at?"

"Driving cars fast," replies Niki, looking down at his heavily taped right arm and wishing to God he could show her exactly how good he was at winning the Formula One World Championship and beating James Hunt along the way.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Niki sat in the garage, playing with the tape on his arm. Marlene asks him: "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," he replies, "about how I'm going to beat that arsehole!"

"But, Niki," Marlene protests, "you're not allowed to drive."

"Yes, but he doesn't know that."

"Don't do anything stupid," Marlene retorts under her breath. 

"I never do anything stupid," Niki shoots back, disgusted.

Suddenly.....

"Oh hello my ratty little friend, you're not driving today, are you?"

"Noooo oh course not," Niki said sarcastically, "I'm just going to sit there and watch you drive, because you're an arsehole!" Niki walks off, taking some painkillers with lemon juice as he turns his back on James.

"Rats will be rats!" mumbled James to himself.

"You'll regret that," Marlene replies, as she trots off to catch up with Niki.

Niki wins the race, but it fails to improve his mood. After the podium ceremony, he doesn't even acknowledge Marlene as he stomps off to the back of the garage. He makes his way to the bathroom and vomits into the toilet bowl. He then pulls himself together and comes out, only to see James Hunt standing there. 

"So you won the race then, Rat Face? You cheated. You shouldn't have been allowed to drive."

"And you should mind your own business. Do you always have to be an arsehole?"

"I can change the way I behave, but you'll always look like a rat."

"Fuck you!" Niki spat, showing him the finger.

"Charming," retorted James, taking a swig from a bottle of vodka.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12B.....ahem. I don't do 13

Chapter 12B

The rain is pouring down from the skies as a sopping wet, slightly drunk James walks, tripping over his shoe laces, to the door of Niki's flat. The Rat Flat, decides James. He hammers on the door. 

"What?" comes from behind the door.

"It's me. James, James Hunt."

"I know who you are, Arsehole. What do you want?"

"A place to stay. Suzy kicked me out."

"Oh did she? Good for her. And what makes you think you can stay here?"

"I just thought that....."

Niki cuts him off with a curt "Well, you thought wrong. Get off my door step!"

"Oh come on, my ratty little friend."

"Don't piss me off, you posh bastard, or I'll make you sleep out there, so you can learn what it's like to freeze your balls off!"

"Thank you, I won't," James responds, as he walks in and closes the door.

"Shoes!" calls Niki from the kitchen.

James removes his shoes before taking a seat on the sofa and crossing his legs with his feet dangling off the table.

"FEET!" yells Niki, as James takes his feet off the dinner table.

"So why did you let me stay, Rat?"

"I don't know, maybe you intrigue me. Maybe you've got a spark."

"You think so?"

"I don't know yet. I think you're an arsehole, but you might be different on the inside."

"Well," replies James, trying to hide the fact that he is flattered. "You're still a rat on inside and out."

"Dear God," Niki muttered as he set off for the airing cupboard, to make up the spare bed. James however, is slightly disappointed when he finds out he won't be sleeping with Niki. The Austrian fails to notice James's eyes on him as he changes the pillow cases.

"Can I get us a drink? Coffee?" asks James hopefully.

"How about you get something useful that might benefit us both," replies Niki in disgust, "like a disease?"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

James has been living at Niki's "Rat Flat" for a few days when he decided to leave. He didn't want to impose on Niki for longer than he had to, so he packed his bag, left Niki a note on the table and walked out the door.

Niki woke later than usual, and upon coming down the hallway, he sees the note.

"Dear Rat," it read. "I'm sick of imposing myself on you, but I will always love you. Arse Hole."

"Scheisse!" Niki swore, lacing his shoes up all wrong as he shot out the door and climbed into The Old Banger, who promptly refused to start. "Double scheisse!" he hissed as he took off at a run down the street. When he reached the pay phone he slotted some money in and dialled a number. 

"Hello? Arse Hole?"

"Hello Rat. What do you want?"

"You," Niki replies, "to come and live with me."

"Really? You don't actually mean it, do you?"

"Of course I do, don't be stupid. Move back in with me."

"I'm at my place, can you come and meet me?"

"No, she won't start so I'll have to walk. I'll be there in ten minutes."

Niki started to jog as he turned around the corner and saw James's flat with the door open. He follows the trail of toilet paper to the bathroom, where he is surprised to see James, fully clothed for a change, sitting on the toilet covered in blood. 

"What the hell happened?" he asked, recoiling in horror as James lifts his shirt, revealing the bruises on his side.

"I don't know, I couldn't recognise him. Probably someone whose wife I once had sex with."

"Come here," Niki took a flannel from the bathroom cabinet and held it under the tap. He then proceeded to clean the cuts on James's face. 

James backs away, realising he can't go back any further otherwise he will have to duck out of the bathroom window.

"It's ok," Niki reassures him. "I may look like a rat, but I don't have a disease. Come on, we'll get you cleaned up and then you're coming back with me. We'll have to walk, though. I can't put you on the bus with your face like that."

James puts a hand up to his cheek and, licking the blood from his finger, realises that Niki is not all bad, he might have a soft centre under that hard, rat-like exterior. James decides to go to the bedroom to pack a bag. He doesn't get far however. When he stands up, he doubles over and swears with the pain.

"Let me look." 

Niki runs his hand over James's chest, examining the marks. "Fuck!" James curses out loud.

"That doesn't look good, you've probably broken something."

"But Niki, if I can't drive, I've lost everything!"

"It's ok, you might need stitches, though."

"Oh shit! I can't go to the hospital, everyone will look!"

"You don't seriously expect me to stitch you up, do you?"

"Errrm, not really, but it's better than public humiliation."

Niki gets some cotton and a needle from the bathroom cabinet. He lights a candle and threads the needle before placing it in the flame. He then sticks it in James's flesh.

"Fuck!" James hisses. 

A few minutes later: "I'm done," replies Niki, "you want to see?"

"Not really," murmurs James, as Niki holds up the mirror.

"Ewwwww! I'm going to be sick," James vomits into the sink.

"Brilliant!" Niki turns on the tap to wash the sick down the plug hole. James pushes his hair back out of his eyes and attempts to stand up. The room spins and he plonks himself back onto the toilet lid. 

"Come on then, superstar," Niki sings out from the bedroom, emerging with the largest bag he can find, stuffed to the brim with James's belongings.


End file.
